1. The Second Week

The Second week begins.

Written Friday, August 23, 2019 / Day 11 / Evening

My logical side had a plan...It was Monday - the next Monday - it was to be my first week home at night after sleeping at my son's the previous week.

So it seemed logical to me - start the process of notifying all those that need to be notified. Seemed like a plan - it would keep me busy and give me a direction. There was only one problem - I couldn't do it.

I would cope for a while and then the circle of thought would strike me. She's gone. She's not here. I want my life back. It wasn't perfect and it was certainly stressful and frustrating on many levels - but it was the life I had and now it was gone. Forever.

The finality is the issue.

I don't think I'm angry at God. Our beliefs are so strong that we knew what was ahead - we just didn't know when. And God had decided. We had a miracle in 2015 - clearly something beyond us reached out and an impossible situation was changed. We prayed it would happen again.

It didn't.

So here I am now. Alone. My confidant, my partner, my everything no longer here to be all those things and more.

I get the idea that this will change - not be that intense, whatever the change will be - the fact is that whenever I am faced with what has been lost - it is too much for me to continue.

God decided. And here I am.

I don't know much - but what I do know is that everything will be different in the future. It has to be - right now I absolutely cannot comprehend doing any of the things we did together - without her with me. And that was everything.

This is going to be difficult.

I just sob at times thinking about her. I don't regret much - She knows how I felt about her. In fact just a few weeks earlier I had told her the thought process I had gone through when we first got together.

It wasn't perfect - we weren't perfect - but I had bonded with her - all the love I had wanted to share my entire life needed somewhere to go - but that love had nowhere to go until we got together. I had never had "a girl" or even the attraction to anyone - and had not been the recipient of love from anyone I cared about.

I was able to tell her those deepest thoughts once again. Now that gives me such peace and comfort - before I break down into a bowl of jello because she is no longer here.

I cry and beseech God to help this transition be bearable. I know He will but for the moment it is not.

Today (Friday, 8/23) it was not.

Yesterday (Thursday, 8/22) it was.

Yesterday I had to pick up the vacation insurance form the doctor needed to fill out for my son's cancelled vacation. I had sent it over to the Palliative Care Group that had been so helpful to us over these past four years.

The Director and the nurse I was dealing with are so sweet.

When I went to pick up the form, it was around noon and the doctor just “happened” to be in the office that day. I was also gifting them the Inogen replacement filters we had bought thinking that the oxygen would have made a difference at the time. Ultimately it would not have helped. My wife would have wanted them to have the filters to help someone else. So I put a bow on the box and took it with me.

So unexpectedly the doctor takes me back to talk.

How could I have planned to talk with one of the most caring doctors we had ever met? I couldn't but God could.

She proceeded to tell me that my wife had made such an impression on her that she would never be the same. And that she had witnessed God's presence thought her.

Wow.

Incredible.

What a legacy.

I just want her back though.

We talked for quite a while (to me) and she mentioned future things, counseling, meeting a person in my situation - but not now of course.

How caring and I'm not even her patient.

Then off to lunch at a nearby restaurant my wife and I had previously been at in their Williamsburg location.

Imagine - me by myself having the chicken salad sandwich (which is what we had). I had my iPad so I texted her dearest friend who had been with us at the end and my son. I was just like a millennial - eating in the cool trendy environment - and strangely upbeat.

It was to be that kind of day. It was so upbeat that it took me back a bit that it was so normal.

But today was the return trip.

I didn't have my sweetie pie.

Went to dinner with my son which was a help. Although my heart wasn't really in it. My heart is in pieces right now.

I asked God to hold me and give me comfort.

Back home, I will have my tea and look at the mail that has come. Kind words from so many. I will write each one a return response.

I sit at the table now with the tea and snacks and look at the mail. One of the new things.

And I replaced those temporary curtains in the living area I have been putting up for 12 years. We never found a solution for the issue - so I bought some grey paper shades. Not the best solution but better than those sad curtain panels.

One small thing.

And then to try to rest.