To those of you outside

If you know someone in the state of grief but are not there yourself - here are some insights from someone inside.

If you are not in the center ring of grief, that is your life has not been stopped - or severely impacted - you are on the outside of the grief experience.

We have all been in this position. Someone we know - no matter what level of closeness we may have with the person - is experiencing a loss.

And we are impacted by it. We knew the person - or knew about them through a family member or relative or acquaintance. It was a shock. It was sad. It may have been totally unexpected - or a situation that was leading to an end.

But we are then back in our worlds, our responsibilities were waiting for us. The patterns of life must resume. And all the while - we are saddened by the change.

But honestly - as our lives resume, the loss fades into the background. In a way it is destined to because the patterns of our lives demand it.

In that way it is a real paradox. As much as we may be disarmed by the event, the resumption of our patterns puts the regular, the day to day back into the forefront of our minds.

Those of us who are grieving are well aware of all of this. We know because our worlds can get strangely quiet. Excruciatingly quiet actually after the flurry of activity that surrounded our loss has subsided.

As we are already confused and immobilized we are quite sensitive to certain things.

Here is a brief summary of some of the things that you might want to say but should really not - at least in the way you intend to say. Provided here is some insight as to what we wish, hope and long for you to really say.

“How are you doing?”

We know you don’t really mean this on the superficial level that it is at - we would probably say the same thing if we were in your shoes.

Our real answer - how do you think we COULD be? Our life is in shambles and our world devastated. Just because it has been a period of weeks since we last talked - how do you think we could actually be? How about sad, alone and empty. How are you doing?

What would be a better thing to say -“I keep thinking of how difficult this must be for you.” This question gives us a strong dose of empathy and compassion. We need to have you reach out to us on a deeper level and this type of question does that - at least for me it does.

Remember, even though the world has “moved on” to it’s pre-grief routine - we will NEVER return to that state. Our loss is ever with us. Your recognition of that loss going forward is a great gift to us.

Do not be concerned that you might “upset us”. That’s a common fear. Don’t worry - we are already upset - way past upset. Remember our life has been devastated by our loss - do you seriously think you could actually upset us?

You can make us cry - that’s different. Very different.

“Maybe you should talk to somebody”

You listen to us relate our world of grief and you become concerned that perhaps we are not “moving on”. Let’s get that cleared up right now - there is nothing to move on to for the moment - we are mourning, grieving and there is no timetable to that.

Sure we need to talk to someone - how about you? Let’s meet for coffee or lunch and you be the person that listens.

Certainly there are support groups and they can play a powerful role in our grieving - they have for me. But unless you know of a specific group to suggest based on a personal referral - not just something you read about in the paper - don’t offer nebulous help - step up and be that help - be that “someone” we can talk too. We need that more than you can know. It is appreciated at a deeply personal level. We may not be able to express that appreciation - but know - it is there.

Don’t worry that you may not know what to do.

Do not let that stop you from reaching out.

Don’t worry because we do not know what to do either.

Reaching out to us is all that matters.

So reach.

Please.